The Cynical Jackass

Holy Shit!

2008-01-22T17:47:00.000-05:00

Got home to find out that Heath Ledger died today- dude was only 28!
(Click on today's blog title for the obit at CNN)

He just got finished shooting the new Batman movie- he plays the Joker. If someone useless like Britney Spears or Linday Lohan had OD'd, I wouldn't be surprised, but this one sucks. Damn.

Tension on the outbound platform

2007-12-09T09:45:00.001-05:00

Like a good city dweller, I know that it's best to ignore everyone on the T (for those Boston-challenged amongst you, we call our subway "the T"), whether I'm on the actual train, or just in the station. If a smelly guy in a raincoat (and nothing else) is crying and bleating like a goat, ignore him. If a woman carrying 15 plastic bags is sitting on the bench drinking Ruble vodka and accusing her fellow travellers of trying to steal her baby, ignore her. That's how it works.

This Friday evening, however, I broke my own rule. I was waiting on the outbound platform at the Kendall/MIT stop when I ginormous forty-something guy in an overcoat and dress shirt with a very VERY skinny tie came walking down the ramp onto the platform. He was evidently unhappy about the way he had been treated by the MBTA staff at the ticket gate, and was telling everyone he made eye contact with about it, getting more and more red-faced as he went. Most people just ignored him, as he was about 400 pounds of fat, and looked like he was about to have a coronary.

Gigantor finally stopped right next to me to wait for the train. Turning to me, he said, "The world's really changing, man- it's the same shit every day. Know what I mean?"

I should have just nodded and gone back to my book, but no- I did not. Instead, I asked him, "How can it be the same shit every day if the world is changing?"

Evidently, Bluto wasn't in the mood for a philosophical discussion about the paradoxical nature of his logic. Looking kind of surprised, he asked me if I was trying to be "some sort of smart guy".

It's at this time that I made a split-second comparison of the two of us- could I kick his ass? Granted, he's a human land mass, but he's all fat and about my height. Either way, I didn't want to risk being belly-bumped onto the third rail, so I just said, "No, I'm anything but a smart guy."

Surprisingly, Baby Huey's entire demeanour changed. He chuckled, gave me a friendly slap on the shoulder, and said, "All right, man- all right." He then walked off down the platform to throw his Mountain Dew bottle into the overpriced bomb-proof trashcan.

I heard a sniffing sound coming from the matronly woman on the other side of me. She was shaking her head in a scolding fashion at me. "Happy Holidays, huh?" I asked, pointing my thumb back at Tons-o-Fun.

"You shouldn't have encouraged him," she said. She then turned back to her sudoku, ignoring me. Thankfully, the train showed up then and I went back to being just another aloof passenger reading his book. That woman was grumpy and judgemental, but I think I'm going to buy some new neckwear for my portly new T friend. Skinny ties are sooo out.

A few Amazon items I do NOT want for Christmas

2007-12-06T19:52:00.000-05:00

If you live in the city and you're like me, you hate Christmas season for several reasons:

a. The subway runs extra slow, is extra-cramped because of giant coats, and the bum on the seat next to you smells not only of brandy, BO, American Spirit cigarettes, and failure, but also of a new "holiday" stink that is very much like (but is certainly not) figgy pudding

b. While walking down the sidewalk, you have to dodge not only the asshole raising money for The Sierra Club, the jackoff hawking for Greenpeace, the douchenozzle waving his clipboard and lamenting the lives of the families in Darfur, and the twat in the "Feed the Children" jacket, but there are now asshats with bells and giant red bins trying to steal your sushi change to give to the Salvation Army. (Who the flying hell is the Salvation Army, anyway? Have they done anything since "Guys and Dolls"? Yeah, Follow this Fold, you jingly dicktard.)

c. Paul McCartey's "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime" song. Holy...fucking...shit. Why this is the go-to song for department store holiday play, I have no idea. Most Christmas songs are fine until you've heard them enough times while shopping that you just get kinda irked. With this one, though, the first verse is enough to get me to beat the store giftwrap lady to death with a cast-iron elf in the hopes that the county lockup won't have a muzak.

d. Finally, if you're like me, you hate, hate, hate, HATE holiday shopping. There are these jerkoffs who actually get to Best Buy at 2am the day after Thanksgiving to save 25% off an Ipod as a gift for their kid. Have fun freezing your nuts off in your lawnchair, ya mook. I'm gonna sleep in, go online, pay full price, and have that Ipod shipped to my house already giftwrapped with a To/From card attached.

That brings me to the real topic of this post (the first in 2 months- woohoo!): Amazon.com. There really isn't anything you can't find at that site while holiday shopping. Mom's into macrame? Get her a macrame book, macrame DVD, macrame toaster cozy, and the Macrame Hero Wii game. Dad's into fishing? Get him the Best of Bassmasater DVD series, one of those stupid singing fish wall decorations, and a 5-pound giftpack of smoked Alaska salmon. Brother's a foot fetishist? Get him the 100 Years of Podiatry textbook, a pair of those socks with compartments for each of the toes, and a 36-inch cherrywood foot sculpture from Belize. Then cut off relations with your brother- he's a fucking freak.

While it's easy to find great stuff at that site, there's also a whole lot of useless crap that no one in their right mind would ever want. If you are shopping for the perfect gift for me this holiday season, please do not (under any circumstance) buy me any of the products below.

1. "Identifying Wood: Accurate Results with Simple Tools" by R. Bruce Hoadly

I'm not knocking ol' R. Bruce's hobby, but how the hell did he fill 240 pages with wood-identifying tips? If you're as curious as I was about the results of his "wood research" pictured on the front cover, it can be located on page 71. His findings? "Yup, that's wood."

2. Katutjatut Throat Singing CD with Alacie Tullaugaq and Lucy Amarualik

Everyone knows that Lucy Amarualik was waaay better when she was still fronting Inuit Insanity, the Eskimo thrash-metal band. Now that they broke up (best Behind the Music EVER!), she's whoring with Alacie Tullaugaq. Honestly, when's the last time Alacie Tullaugaq had a hit? Seriously- I'm asking. Can you name ONE? Poor Lucy- such a sellout.

3. The Elvis dog costume

Anyone who buys this for their dog deserves to be (in the following order):
1. Dragged outside to the driveway in front of all the neighbors
2. Beaten unconscious with a rubber hose
3. Brought to the hospital
4. Nursed back to health over several grueling months of rehab
5. Brought back home amongst much fanfare and mylar balloons
6. Pushed in their wheelchair out into the driveway in front of all the neighbors
7. Beaten unconscious with a heavier rubber hose

4. The Monkey King ceramic statue

This combines three of my greatest fears: anthropomorphic apes, Magi, and parachute pants.

5. Constipation and Ano-Rectal Insufficiency- Falk Symposium (Kindle Edition)

I have nothing against the Kindle Edition per se, but Amazon is charging $183.20 for this, and I scored my copy of Constipation and Ano-Rectal Insufficiency at Brattle Books for $65- suck on THAT, Falk Symposium!

I hope this has given you an idea of horrible gift choices for me that you can keep off your shopping list. I'd be happy to list more, but my neighbor just started playing "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime", and I have to locate my ski-mask and aluminum bat. Fucking Paul McCartney.

Was the universe trying to tell me something?

2007-10-10T15:08:00.000-04:00

So originally, my backpacking trip was supposed to be a little under 2 weeks long. Before leaving, however, I decided to trim it to 5-6 days, and spend the second week of my vacation at home doing nothing. As it turns out, multiple counts of equipment failure wouldn't even allow that.

The hike itself was fine- I started out from the Joe Dodge Lodge at Pinkham Notch down the short Lonesome Lake trail, which lead to the Glen Boulder trail and onto Davis Trail. From there, it was my plan to climb the adorably named "Mt. Isolation". The effects of the wet weather that day and several days previous made for slow going- at times, I was lurching through knee deep mud- the kind that makes a "thwuking" sound and tries to pull off your boot. Because of this, it would often take 15-20 minutes to go uphill 50 feet. I was willing to deal with that, though- I just made a mental note to wear hiking "gators" around my ankles and calves next time to keep the mud out of my boots.

Making matters worse was the fact the cheststrap on my pack had broken and the pack was now shifting irritatingly from side to side.

Another effect of the wet weather was wet rocks- I lost track of how many times I slipped (and sometimes fell) after stepping on a slick rock. I kept going, though, as I've done shorter hiking trips wherein that was the case.

It came back to bite me in the ass towards the end of Monday when I slipped and fell on a rock crossing a wide brook/mini-river, and a branch yanked off my waterproof pack cover. I was still snagged on the branch, and felt very "turtle-on-its-back", since I was strapped into this 60 pound pack. (Yeah, 60 pounds doesn't sound like much, but try humping it uphill through rocks and "thwucking" mud for 6 hours). As I struggled to free myself, the current in the river yanked away a small nylon bag that contained my tentpoles and tent stakes. Something told me then that I might have needed those.

I finally got free, but my bag cover and tent poles were long gone. It was going on 3:30 in the afternoon, and I was at least 6 hours away from the lodge- I was going to have to camp here- poles or no poles. After finally finding a moderately suitable clearing for a tent (it was fairly slanted, but flat and clear), I MacGuyvered my tent up by using sticks and branches instead of my river borne tent stakes. I still had the main pole that held up the front center of the tent, but no way of holding up the walls. When I finally climbed in, I had just enough room to lay down, as the "ceiling" was about 8 inches from my face.

I had been in the tent for about 2 hours, reading a book, when it started to rain. It was then that I realized that the "waterproof" claims on the box my tent came in may have been false, as the ceiling started to "sweat" rainwater on me. I poked my head out of the flap (whereupon the zipper broke) to see how heavily clouded the sky was and thus, how much more of this rain I should expect. The entire sky was black, which I didn't take as a good sign.

It was then that a large owl landed on a tree branch near me and said, "It's not really my place to comment, but I'm afraid, Kevin, that you're fucked."

I politely told the owl that my name was not Kevin, but he was right about the "being fucked" part. The talking owl lead me to realize two things: first, the old adage about the 'wise old owl' seemed to be correct; and second, those were definitely NOT portabella mushrooms that I ate off the side of the trail earlier.

Ordinarily, I would be fascinated to chat with an owl, but I was tired and wet. Also, the owl (who identified himself as "Quentin", incidentally) was a bit of a bore. He wanted me to go in on his new Internet business idea he had wherein he would try to sell "clean" urine to stoners who wanted government jobs. I tried to close the broken flap and get some sleep.

In the morning, I looked outside the tent and both the rain and Quentin were gone. This told me two things: First, my trip back would be a lot easier; and second, the mushrooms had worn off. I started to pack up what I had scattered about the tent floor- wet clothes, wet food, wet gear, and a wet paperback copy of the (grossly misguided, as it turns out) "How to Identify the Mushrooms and Fungi of New England" guide.

I'll admit, I violated the White Mountain National Forest's "Leave No Trace" rule. My sodden tent was now 3 times its previous weight, and despite the fact that it was clearly a shitty product, I couldn't return it since the website I bought it from had a strict "no return" policy on clearance items. I wonder why. So I left the tent stuffed behind a tree stump, along with two articles of clothing- a quilted shirt/jacket that now weighed 8 pounds or so, and a pair of baggy cargo pants which when wet, had to weigh at least 10 pounds. No way was I going to add 18 pounds to my back, so I left them with the tent.

Some 45 minutes after I set off to return to Pinkham Notch, the left shoulder strap of my backpack snapped in two towards the bottom, and the whole pack swung around, almost knocking me over. You have got to be fucking kidding me. What next? Am I going to be hit by lightening now? Eaten by a puma? I tied off the strap the best I could, but it popped back open multiple times, so every 20 minutes I was taking off the pack to re-tie the strap. Let me tell you, carrying so heavy a pack for so long is bad enough. Picking it back up after putting it down every 20 minutes really blows.

I reached Pinkham Notch mid-afternoon and they had vacancies. I even paid the extra $24 to get a private room. A bit of an extravagance given that the whole trip- equipment, food, and bus fare to NH had already cost me around $500, but I needed room to spread out my sodden stuff and see what I could wear back home the next day (they had no laundry facilities.) Thankfully, the best piece of advice I got before leaving for this trip was my brother suggesting that I bring "extra plastic bags". I didn't think too much of it at the time, but still brought along a few trash bags and large zipper freezer bags. Into one of the garbage bags had gone a pair of jeans and a teeshirt. Thus, that outfit stayed dry.

The lodge has showers, and even though the actual shower sucked, it still felt like the best shower ever- I was like Tim Robbins at the end of "The Shawshank Redemption" when he finally climbs out of the sewer pipe and into the rain, arms flung out and Warden Norton far behind him, none the wiser.

After the shower, I went down to the lodge's library and read the first "Harry Potter" book cover-to-cover. I had never actually wanted to read those books, but it was that or a Readers' Digest "condensed book". It was okay, I guess, but I don't see what all the fuss was about.

Glad though I was that I was indoors and dry for the night, I happened to be there the same night as a school group of some forty 8-13 year olds, who ran wild through the halls playing a game called "Ding-Dong Doorbell", which seemed to involve knocking on a door, yelling "Ding-Dong Doorbell!" and running away. We were on the second floor, and only 2 other rooms than mine contained people NOT a part of the kids' group. During dinner, I found out that the "chaperones" had all taken rooms on the first floor, away from the kids. Smart. I told myself that if the kids were still rioting past 10pm, I was going to set my alarm for 5am and go down to the rooms containing the "chaperones" and pound on their doors, shout "Ding-Dong Doorbell, you lazy bastards!", and run away. Thankfully, however, they shut up around 9:30.

So this trip didn't pan out as I had hoped. Due to a shitty tent and a pack that has seen better days, I called it quits on the trip and hopped a bus home to Boston this morning. I plan to return next year when it is warmer and drier, with a new tent, a lighter bag, and some "bear strength" pepper spray in case any kids in the lodge get any ideas about making noise.

If you ever decide to head up there, make sure your equipment is all in top shape and that there hasn't been a week of steady rain prior to your visit. Also, if you find yourself around the intersection of the Glen Boulder Trail and the Davis Trail, look for Quentin- he'll be the owl wearing the wet baggy cargo pants. Tell him Kevin says "Hi".

A point of clarification- That Guys who made it out; Or: The Magical Effect of Boogie Nights

2007-10-01T09:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm hoping for more people to give "That Guy" actor suggestions in the comment section, to be included in a future post (for definition of "That Guy", please see previous post). In the meantime, I noticed that Jesse suggested that (among others) John C. Reilly should have made my "That Guy" list. Reilly, however, has pulled off a normally impossible feat- he has left his "That Guy" status behind him, and is now a fairly bankable name in his own right.

With that in mind, please find below a list (in no particular order) of 10 actors (including ol' John C), who give hope to That Guys everywhere, that they can one day be known for thier names, not just the type of character they play.

10. John C. Reilly

For a while there, it seemed like John would only play oddball sidekicks for the rest of his life. Then, he played...the oddball sidekick, Reed Rothchild/Chest Rockwell in Boogie Nights. From there, he was the lonely cop in Magnolia, the sadsack husband in Chicago, a doomed fisherman in The Perfect Storm and a friendly racecar driver in Talledega Nights. While he may not be a leading man, he's no longer That Guy.

9. Samuel L. Jackson

Believe it or not, Sam Jackson was once a That Guy. His type was criminals and strung-out crackheads (see Goodfellas and Jungle Fever). Now, though, after multiple blockbusters and Oscar nominations, he's one of the most bankable names in the business- we all know Snakes on a Plane would never have been released without his name attached. So yeah, we have him to blame for that.

8. Don Cheadle

After a decade or so of playing the "random nervous guy", Cheadle appeared as Buck Swope in Boogie Nights and a decade later, he gets his name above the title in movies like Hotel Rwanda, for which he got an Oscar nomination. Do you see a trend here with Boogie Nights?

7. Joe Pantoliano

It could be argued that this guy is still a That Guy, but I think his turn as the eventually-beheaded Ralphie in The Sopranos has pushed him away from That Guy status and towards Successful Character Actor status. He's done some crap recently- Daredevil comes to mind- but "Joey Pants" may just be on his way to Former That Guy-ism.

6. Chris Cooper

For a while, Chris was a go-to That Guy to play cowboys or construction workers, until he played the "Orchid Thief" John LaRoche in Charlie Kaufman's oddball film, Adaptation. Since then, he's jumped up to the lead in a handful of movies, including Breach, wherin he played real-life CIA double agent Robert Hanssen.

5. Billy Bob Thornton

In the eighties and early nineties, Billy Bob was just playing the all-purpose redneck/scuzzbag (see Tombstone or Indecent Proposal). Then, he wrote, directed and starred in Sling Blade, for which he won an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay (from his short film). Now, 34 films later, he's gone all A-list on us. My favorite role of his, post-Sling Blade, was as the horny political consultant in Primary Colors: "I'm blacker than you are. I got some slave in me- I can feel it."

4. Paul Giamatti

Early on, Paul did bit parts in a couple of Woody Allen movies, then played basically the same role (jerkish, sweaty slimeball) again in Private Parts, Howard Stern's autobiographical film. Since then, he did the shitty Planet of the Apes remake (I'm sorry, not a remake- a "reimagination"), and most memorably, played the lead in both American Splendor and Sideways. He's come a long way since "Pig Vomit", huh?

3. William H. Macy

After years of playing snippy, stuck-up dad/authority characters (see Searching for Bobby Fischer and Mr. Holland's Opus), he finally hit the big time with the Coen brothers' masterpiece Fargo. He followed that up with...you guessed it- Boogie Nights, as the cuckolded porn director. Since then, he's been in a slew of great stuff, my favorite being State and Main, where he played the sarcastic director (not porn this time). He had the best line of the movie in the scene wherein he is looking over the costume designs and asked, "Who the hell designed these costumes? It looks like Edith Head puked, and that puke designed these costumes!"

2. James Cromwell

Some may debate whether or not James has left his That Guy status behind him. A lot of people still don't know his name, but I think he has done enough major roles that he's made the step up. His big break was as the quiet pig farmer in Babe, which earned him an Oscar nomination. After that, he's done L.A. Confidential, The Green Mile and I, Robot. Not bad for a guy who started out as Louis' dad in Revenge of the Nerds. That'll do, Pig...that'll do.

1. Philip Seymour Hoffman

Further proof that PT Anderson is some sort of Oracle, Philip is yet another actor who caught his big break in Boogie Nights, where he played the sad closeted boom mike operator with a thing for Dirk Diggler. Since then, he's jumped up to the A-List and won an Oscar for Capote. No more "random chunky asshole" supporting roles for him.

So not many make it, but the above 10 guys prove that some That Guys become something more, even if it does take a few decades.
Again, please add your suggestions for favorite That Guys to the comments section.

It's That Guy! Y'know...he was in...uh...

2007-09-28T10:49:00.000-04:00

You know the guy. He's that utility-player actor who has been in a thousand movies, usually playing the same type. You've seen him countless times, but you've never known his name. He's That Guy. He's the journeyman character actor who never makes it into the tabloids, isn't a Scientologist, isn't into Kaballah, but has 100+ credits on his IMDB page. He's the backbone of the industry. Thus, please enjoy the following listing of the top 15 That Guys of all time (in no particular order):

15. M. Emmett Walsh

A Coen brothers regular, Emmett generally plays the rough guy in the rumpled suit. My all-time favorite role of his is the hitman-turned-P.I. from The Jerk- "These cans! He hates these cans!"

14. Reginald VelJohnson

I don't know if there are many movies or shows this guy has been in wherein he doesn't play a cop. From Family Matters to Die Hard, he's always the fat and jolly police officer with the sarcastic streak. Fun fact- he's gay!

13. Danny Trejo

Who he plays- scary Latino guys. From the knife-thrower in "Desperado" to the rose-tattoo rapist in "Con Air", he's always a badass bastard. It's not really his fault, though. I mean c'mon- look at him.

12. Maury Chaykin

His speciality seems to be sweaty creeps. My favorite role of his is as the crazy officer at the beginning of Dances With Wolves- "Good Sir Knight! I've just pissed in my pants and there's nothing that you or anyone else can do about it!"

11. Fred Thompson

Okay, so now he's gone beyond just acting. He's been a senator, a lawyer, an actor, and a presidential candidate. His speciality in the 80's and 90's was "uptight government/military prick". He pretty much has the market cornered on playing White House Chiefs of Staff, too. He's done it 432 times. Seriously.

10. Bob Balaban

Some know him best as a Christopher Guest movie standby, while others know him as the head of NBC from Seinfeld. Either way, he has always excelled at being the deadpan nebbish.

9. Philip Baker Hall

Speaking of Seinfeld, he played the all-time greatest one-off character on that show (and that includes Sue Ellen Mishkie and the Soup Nazi), when he was Mr. Bookman the library cop. Always the "gruff older man who talks fast", you're afraid to say anything to him, lest he smacks you in the back of the head.

8. Michael Ironside

A study done by Columbia University in 2006 proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there has not been a military-themed movie or TV show produced in the past 20 years that has not featured Michael Ironside. He so has the cold, unfeeling, quick-to-rage officer thing down that he shows up on set with his own uniform, which is surgically attached to his body.

7. Patrick Crenshaw

Now dead, he was the standard of "old coots" for the past 20 years. When you needed a really, really, really, really old dude to sit around looking confused, he was your man. You're my boy, Blue!

6. Brad Dourif

This guy never should have been a "That Guy". He was nomintated for an Oscar for playing the stuttering Billy Bibbitt in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, then dove right to the discount bin by playing the "creepy guy" in 19 out of every 20 straight-to-video movies since 1985. His only major role since Cuckoo's Nest (aside from being the voice of Chuckie in the Child's Play movies) was as the weasely Grima Wormtongue on the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

5. James Rebhorn

He's a military prick or a college prick or a small-town prick or a corporate prick. So yeah, he just plays pricks.

4. Robert Davi

Agent Johnson...no, the other one. If he's not a hospital corners/by-the-book federal agent, he's usually a slimy drug dealer or hitman. He also has the greatest acne pock-marked face of all "That Guys"

3. Miguel Ferrer

You need a gravel-voiced asshole for your movie? Look no further than Miguel Ferrer. When all the other "smarmy, jerk-in-a-suit" character actors get together, they call Miguel "boss".

2. Paul Dooley

If you look up "hangdog" in the dictionary, there'll be a picture of Paul. I don't know that I've ever seen him actually express an emotion on screen. He's the caring-yet-aloof dad, the caring-yet-aloof grandpa or the caring-yet-aloof boss. We'll even forgive him for forgetting Molly Ringwald's 16th birthday.

1. JT Walsh

I give you JT Walsh- the undisputed champion of That Guys. They should rename the whole group of That Guys "The JT Walshes". Depressingly, there will never be a new champ, as JT is dead. Evidently born with that seemingly immovable hair, he was the suicidal right-hand-man in A Few Good Men, he was the scuzzy mental patient in Sling Blade, he was the judge in Pleasantville- the list goes on and on. When you needed a guy who could play the semi-likable asshole, there was no one better than JT.

So there ya have it. By no means a complete list, though, so please feel free to suggest others in the comments section.

And you thought your job sucked

2007-09-23T22:15:00.000-04:00

Click on today's post title, and suddenly your gripes about having a small cubicle next to the fat guy with Dorito breath will seem kinda petty.

And suddenly, the world became a little less evil

2007-08-13T11:26:00.000-04:00

After almost two full terms of serving the cause of evil, Karl Rove is resigning and headed back to his lair on the far side of the river Styx. Let's hope he and Cerberus can enjoy many more years together.

For the full story, click on today's blog post title.

The mountain might get me, but the bobcats never will. Well, they could, actually. They're very fast. And I'm quite cowardly...and taste like chicken.

2007-08-11T23:58:00.000-04:00

First off, I'd like to apologize for not posting in a month- I've been stuck in a mine in Utah. What? Too soon?

Anyhow, I've been planning my "single loser" vacation for a few months now, and after considering Vegas (decided against it because I can't see how that would keep me entertained for an entire week), a cruise (too expensive), and Tikrit (too many IED's), I've finally decided on a solo hike through some part of the Appalachians.

I did some hiking in college, and took a few 3-4 day backpacking trips when I lived in the Pacific Northwest, and as much as I hate sleeping in a tent, I'm really getting pumped about this trip. I spend a good part of my weekends biking around Greater Boston or dull track running, so I know I'm physically up for it. Also, while I love the convenience of living in Boston, I really do miss the quiet of northern New England. The plan is to take a couple weeks and a packful of supplies out into either New Hampshire or Vermont before the weather gets cold. I'm pretty sure I'm going for the "Long Trail" in Vermont, which runs from northern New York all the way to Canada. Obviously, I won't be able to do the whole thing in two weeks, but I think I can knock off a chunk of it before I have to return to Boston and my...sigh...job.

So, if any of you have any good trail recommendations or suggestions regarding death-by-bear avoidance, I'm all ears.

The best thing about Baltimore in 1952? It ain't Vinnie Barbarino in drag.

2007-07-11T21:07:00.001-04:00

A quick post today- Call me the gayest gay in Gaytown, but I'm totally seeing this one opening weekend. Normally, I hate musicals, but John Waters' original "Hairspray" with a then-unknown Ricki Lake and the late Divine is now (only 20 years later) a camp classic. Classic enough, that is, to be converted into a Tony Award-winning Broadway show...and converted back to a movie.

Granted, the idea of Travolta in a fatsuit and a dress is beyond unsettling, but c'mon...it's gotta be better than Travolta in "Battlefield Earth".

"Is this the line for douchebags? 'Cause I'm a douchebag- I want to be in the right line. You're a douchebag, too? Good. Nice lawn chair, by the way."

2007-06-30T08:46:00.000-04:00

So the Apple Iphone went on sale last night at 6:00pm eastern time. People started lining up last weekend. Last weekend. (I wanted to make sure you got that part- that's why I repeated it). The phone went on sale on a Friday, and losers were on line in some cities starting the previous Saturday.

I would think that a guy jobless enough to sit in a lawn chair on a sidewalk in New York for a week with nothing but Mountain Dew, chronic Dorito breath, his laptop and his own sense of self-worthlessness to keep him company would not be in a position to pay between $400 and $600 for a phone.

So what's so special about this phone? They seem to be pushing pretty heavily the fact that it's a phone, an Mp3 player, a PDA and a medium through which to access the internet. Okay, fine. The Razr I paid $50 for after the rebate can do all that. What else makes this thing worth $600? Does it balance your checkbook automatically? Save you hundreds on car insurance by switching now? Does it dispense tiny pink pills that fill you with a fuzzy feeling of euphoria? Will it make me taller? Will it make me smarter? Will it make me delicious smoothies? Here's a direct quote from the Apple website:

"It’s an entirely new interface based on a large multi-touch display and innovative new software that lets you control everything using only your fingers."

Ohhh...that's it! Up until now, I've had to operate my cell phone by mashing the keypad with my forehead. I think Steve Jobs may be on to something here with the whole "using one's fingers to operate a phone" idea.

I asked a few of the people on line last night outside the Apple store at the Cambridgeside Galleria (shut up- I was just there for socks and some Thai orange chicken) why they wanted the phone so badly, and all four of the people I talked to (I got bored and a little creeped out after just that many) mentioned right off that Apple has done away with actual keys on the phone, and it's all a touch-pad.

Jesus Bloody Christ. So that's the big advancement. The same touch-screen technology that lets me rent Red Box movies and helps me find a Spider-man graphic novel at Borders is the reason these troglodytes have come out of their parents' basements to spend their week at the mall. Suddenly, my Star Trek fandom and penchant for snazzy tie clips and french-cut shirt cuffs is making me feel pretty cool.

Correction- Oregon Trail link

2007-06-25T09:17:00.000-04:00

Hi-
The link I posted earlier to download Oregon Trail actually sucks, as you have to scroll through all sorts of ad crap to get to it. For the good link, click on today's blog title, "Correction- Oregon Trail link".

The totally tubular decade that like, totally was

2007-06-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

Looking back over my last few posts, it seems my entries are getting more and more vapid. Rather than saying anything of substance, I'm just rambling about popular culture. Today, of course, will be no different.

I know I'm dating myself by admitting this, but I really miss the 80's- bad hair, cheesy music, Reagan- admittedly, there was a lot of crap. However, since I've enjoyed making lists for my past couple "guilty pleasure" posts, I thought I'd skew off from that with the top 10 things I miss most about the 80's. As always, feel free to chime in in the comments section.

10. Russia was still scary

Before that flimsy Iron Curtain fell, Americans everywhere knew to be terrified of those pinko commies in their furry hats. Russians were the go-to bad guys in movies, and school children were led to believe that at any moment, Ivan would be knocking at their door, Stoli in one hand and a "Workers Unite!" placard in the other. Now, Russia is nothing more than an economically unstable country in Eastern Europe, and the go-to bad guys in movies are usually "Random Middle-easterners". Where's the fun in that?

9. Members Only jackets

I mean, c'mon- look how cool this guy is. 'Nuff said.

8. Man-perms

Yes, there was once a time when rock stars made sure to have a hair crimper in their tour buses. How can you not love an era wherein your favorite metal god had the same hairstyle as your Aunt Peg from Omaha? Bless you, Dee Snider, bless you.

7. Michael Jackson was still black, male, talented, and comprised of human flesh

When I was around 5, I went trick-or-treating dressed as Michael Jackson, and my costume consisted of a sequined glove, a sweatshirt with zippers all over it and a microphone with Michael's picture (one of those plastic ones that you were supposed to hold close to a staticky AM radio, and you could "hear" yourself singing). That was the costume to have, as The Gloved One was actually popular. Now that he's a creepy, kid-lovin', plastic man-child, a MJ costume would incite more fear than high-fives. I still have that sequined glove- don't judge me, though. Sometimes a guy just wants to feel pretty.

6. Kids toys were still dangerous

When I used to ride my BMX around the neighborhood, I never wore a helmet. In 1987, helmets were for competitive cyclists, severe epileptics and "Special Kevin", that kid who sat in the front seat of the bus with Lick-em Aid on his face and his hands down his pants. Now, though, if your kid is biking without a helmet, the neighbors will call DSS on you.

You used to be able to get GI Joe and He-Man toys with lots of tiny, sharp little knives and guns that were just made for swallowing by a toddler. Also awesome were the GI Joe tanks that launched sharp plastic missiles that were meant for Cobra Commander and Destro, but often ended up in kids' eyes or noses.

None of those toys, however, could begin to equal the awesomness of lawn darts. Granted, they were hard to come by in the mid-80's, but a lot of families still had them. The general rules were that you were supposed to lob these 10-inch darts underhand towards a hoop to score points. No one, of course, actually did that. Once out of the box, the darts would be hurled straight into the air, giving the thrower and his friends mere seconds to dive out of the way. Sure, eyes were lost, but still-good times.

5. I was still young and naive enough to believe that we'd have flying cars in "THE YEAR 2000"

When I was in elementary school, THE YEAR 2000 (I always thought of it as being in all caps) was this mystical year wherein all of the cool "future stuff" we were promised in the movies and TV would become available. Flying cars, phasers, warp speed, and tiny pills that could replace an entire 4-course meal. What do we have instead, seven years after the fabled YEAR 2000? Cars on wheels, no phasers, no warp drive, and Lunchables. Stupid science.

4. Flying commercially without having to disrobe and subject myself to a retinal scan and body cavity search

I remember how pumped I was whenever we got to fly to grandma's house in Arizona. Not necessarily because I wanted to see the extended family, but because flying was just so awesome. Now, however, you have to give yourself an extra 2 hours just to get through security, and Krom help you if you don't have a plastic baggie to store your no more than 3.5 ounce liquids. If you happen to set off the metal detector, you have roughly 10 seconds to whip off your belt and prosthetic arm before they set the hounds on you. I don't visit grandma's house much anymore.

3. Occasionally saying "I Don't Know" in the hope that I'll get "slimed"

If you don't get this reference, you clearly didn't watch enough Canadian kids' sketch-comedy back then. Shame on you, hoser.

2. John Hughes movies

The poor guy's career kinda pissed out in the 90s with those horrible "Beethoven" movies about the St. Bernard, but back in the day, John Hughes was the man when it came to teen angst movies- "Pretty in Pink", "Sixteen Candles" and the ultimate example, "The Breakfast Club". There is a rumored "Director's Cut" of that one that is said to have only one copy, which is locked up somewhere in John Hughes' house. 40 extra minutes of a brain, a jock, a princess, a basket case, and a criminal? I'd head all the way to Shermer for that one.

1. Two words: Oregon Trail

Screw Grand Theft Auto, forget Halo, and you can shove Guild Wars up your ass. The all-time greatest computer game was Oregon Trail, made best in the Apple IIe version. Buying your wagon (don't forget the extra axles), hunting bears, fording the river, all while trying to avoid Ezra dying of dysentery. When I found a free "emulated" version of this online last year, I wept like a little girl. A little pioneer girl.

The "Guilty Pleasure" admissions continue...

2007-06-14T10:12:00.000-04:00

So I've already opened up about the movies I'm most ashamed to admit I like, so I figured the next step would be to shame myself further by admitting my top five guilty pleasure TV shows. Feel free to mock me in the comments section.

5. Cops

There's nothing like the combination of rednecks, pickup trucks, malt liquor, and handheld cameras capturing all the action. Whenever I watch this show, it always seems to be set in either Kansas City (doesn't matter if it's Kansas or Missouri) or Maricopa County, Arizona (where, coincidentally, my mom lives). If you ever want to get on TV in either of these cities, all you need to do is grow a rockin' mullet, throw back some Colt 45, don your favorite stained wifebeater, and take your truck out for a spin on the highway. Fox TV will be there with their cameras to catch you in all your scummy glory. My favorite arrests are when some 50+ hooker with meth mouth tries to "seduce" the cop out of arresting her. Classic stuff.

4. Iron Chef America

I get teased a lot for how much Food Network I watch, but they can be very helpful if you're into cooking and don't want to actually pay for classes. My favorite show on the channel, though, really tells you nothing about how to cook. "Iron Chef America" is a remake of the Japanese hit where a different professional chef each week takes on one of the show's "Iron" chefs. They are each required to make five courses using the day's "secret" ingredient, which is not revealed until just before the competition begins. It's especially fun when the secret ingredient is something like mussels, and they attempt to make ice cream out of it. I would love to one day become a professional chef, just so I could take on Masiharu Morimoto.

3. Degrassi: The Next Generation

Canadians are far more familiar with this show than Americans, but it can be found on the "N" network on the digital cable lineup. It's basically like a Canadian version of "Saved by the Bell", except it's (slightly) better written and it's an hour-long drama. What makes the show stand out is that unlike American kids' shows, they aren't afraid to handle issues like homosexuality, school shootings, date rape, and drug use. The closest "Saved by the Bell" ever came to an episode about teen drug use is that episode where Elizabeth Berkely gets hooked on caffeine pills. (Remember that? She popped a few caffeine pills- the equivalent of 3 regular cups of coffee- and was stumbling around her room, singing "I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it...I'm so excited...I'm so...scared!") Yeah. Caffeine pills. Stupid America. Not only does Canada have cool round bacon, but they also have better kids' shows.

2. Desperate Housewives

There hasn't been an addictive nighttime soap opera like this since "Dynasty", and that was a bit before my time. There always seems to be something scandalous going on on Wysteria Lane, and it usually involves sex, adultery, sex, drugs, sex, murder, sex, or sex. The show isn't as popular as it once was, but now that "The Sopranos" has ended, this is one of the two shows I make sure to watch every week. (The other is "Smallville", but I don't feel "guilty" about that one.)

1. Little People, Big World

I'm usually the first to bitch about the popularity of "reality" shows, but I can't seem to get enough of this one. It follows the Roloffs, who are both "little people" and their four kids- three of whom are regular sized and one of whom is "little". It's fairly obvious that the "reality" of their lives is set up for the sake of the cameras (the father makes a zip line in the woods behind his house, or they attend the "Little People Olympics"), but it's still shamefully addictive. Please don't think less of me.

Feel free to mention some of your guilty pleasure shows in the comments section. We can all be ashamed together.

Somewhere, a Van de Graff generator is weeping...

2007-06-13T08:10:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post today, since I'm feeling lazy and can't think of anything to say. Don't know if you already heard, but TV's Mr. Wizard died this week at 89.
Check out the story by clicking on today's blog title.

In his honor, I'll be going home tonight and making a paper mache volcano, with which I will set of a 21 vinegar-and-baking soda eruption salute.

Amerikansks ar allfor omloknad ty glosa

2007-06-04T15:39:00.000-04:00

So I'm in my new place in Medford. The cable is hooked up and my V8 Splash is in the fridge. While both of those factors would generally suggest that I am all moved in, that is not precisely the case.

Since the dresser and computer desk at my old place did not belong to me, I had to make an IKEA run this weekend to buy some of my own. It was all pretty cheap (both in terms of price and allaround quality-of-product), and I was happy to learn that the horror stories about the difficulty of assembling the Pride of the Swedes furniture ended up being untrue.

For the most part, the directions are idiot-proof, with plenty of easy to understand chronological pictures. What struck me, however, is that there were only pictures. Perhaps it was an official IKEA management memo regarding not wanting to waste precious toner on actual words for the direction sheets. Or, maybe those Aryan Scandinavians just figure Americans are too stupid to handle written directions.

Either way, I'm happy to report that even illiterate Americans could put together my Malm dresser or my Gdalspk computer desk. The directions for my Spoorplunk end table, however, might cause some problems due to an accidental chocolate frogurt spill from an arm spasm brought about by last night's Sopranos episode, which was on at the time of assembly. (I mean, c'mon- whack both Bobby Bacala and Silvio in the same show? Christ, I realize it's the second-to-last episode, but damn!)

From the United States Department of "Well, No Shit"

2007-05-31T09:53:00.001-04:00

In the most shocking news story since the "Water is Wet" affair, actor David Hyde Pierce (Dr. Niles Crane on "Frasier") was officially acknowledged as being gay in an associated press article yesterday.

The AP article is primarily about Pierce's Broadway work and Tony nomination, but a subtle reference is made to his "partner":
"Pierce got to Los Angeles in the early 1990s when his partner, actor-writer-producer Brian Hargrove, wanted to write for television. A short-lived Norman Lear series, 'The Powers That Be' led to 'Frasier.' And the rest is, well ..."

It's really not much of a surprise, but it's great to see another star come out of the closet. There's a stigma attached to openly gay actors- that if the audience knows an actor is gay, they won't be believable as straight characters. When you think about it, it's asinine. I know for a fact that Tobey McGuire isn't actually a spider-man, but this knowledge doesn't detract from my enjoyment of "Spider-man 3". (Note- it was the shitty script that detracted from my enjoyment of Spider-man 3".)

Niles is just the latest in a long line of C-list celebrities to come out. Lance Bass, Doogie Howser, and Gael Garcia Bernal have all recently joined the Openly Gay club. (Okay, Gael didn't come out. But a fella can dream, right?)

What bothers me is the list of celebrities who are "unofficially" gay. That is, those who are generally known to be gay, but neither acknowledge nor deny it. Until very recently, both Doogie and Niles were on that list. For your gossiping enjoyment, a partial segment of the remaining list:

1. Kevin Spacey
2. Jodie Foster
3. Sean Hayes (from "Will & Grace")
4. Ricky Martin
5. Anderson Cooper (CNN)

"Out" magazine was recently bold (or stupid) enough to run a front-page article called "The Glass Closet: Why Won't the Stars Come Out and Play?" In the article, they named all of the celebrities above, among others, and questioned why these people continually dodge the question, when it's fairly well known that they are, in fact, gay. One would think that a mass coming-out would do quite a bit to erase a part of that stigma.

I'm not holdling my breath, though. Until then, we can only just gossip about those closeted cowards like we have been for years. As for me, I have to finish my work here at the office and meet up with Gael in my building's parking lot. He's taking me to a B&B in Vermont, where we plan on relaxing, doing some antiquing and telling Anderson Cooper jokes.

Guilty Pleasure Movies- Discuss!

2007-05-30T11:38:00.000-04:00

Upfront, I would like to acknowledge that I stole this "Guilty Pleasure" list idea from the Mesteeblogger, a dude with whom I went to high school. His most recent post included the top 5 songs he is most ashamed to admit he likes. Since I'm not feeling particularly original today, please find below my own rip-off of that idea, but with movies:

5. The Princess Bride

I don't know if this qualifies as "guilty" since so many of my generation love it, but it has always come across as being a bit girly to me. Regardless, every time I see it's on TV, I'll watch it. From the Albino to the R.O.U.S's, and from the foolishness of going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line to Andre the Giant's Oscar-winning turn as Fezzik, it's all good.

4. Cruel Intentions

This is actually the umpteenth retelling of the French novel "Les Liaisons Dangereuses", but by far my favorite. All due respect to Malkovich in "Dangerous Liaisons", Ryan Phillippe (in addition to just being fun to look at) is perfect as the snooty man-slut Sebastian, who makes a bet with his sultry step sister (played by Buffy the Vampire Slayer 2.0) that he can deflower the new headmaster's virginal daughter. By far the best line: "You can put it anywhere you want..." (If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean).

3. The Fifth Element

"Multi-pass? Big bada-boom!" One of the all-time dumbest sci-fi plots ever. (Spoiler- it turns out that the "Fifth Element" is love! Awwww!)
The always ass-kickin' Bruce Willis is Corbin Dallas, a futuristic cab driver who gets roped into intergalactic intrigue with Mila Jovovich and an intensely irratating Chris Tucker. One of my favorite scenes involves an actor mistakenly calling Willis' character "Mr. Willis", whereupon Bruce gently corrects him, "It's Dallas." The director liked the flub so much that he kept it in. The plot is so bad you'd think L. Ron Hubbard wrote it, but the cool special effects and Gary Oldman make it well worth the cheese.

2. U.H.F.

To date (thankfully), Weird Al's only starring role. Despite walk-on cameos in all 3 "Naked Gun" movies, Al left his leading man aspirations behind him after this turkey. As shitty as the movie is, it's worth watching for all the shamelessly awful dialogue and for the pre-"Seinfeld", pre-"racist rant on YouTube" Michael Richards as janitor Stanley Spadowski, who wants nothing more than his mop back. The original "little person" actor, Billy Barty, plays the stations unlikely camera man, and a toned-down Fran Drescher is the reporter-about-town. In the end, any movie that features an ad for "Spatula City" ("We sell spatulas, and that's all!") is okay in my book.

1. True Lies

I never thought I'd say this, but Tom Arnold rocks. Rumor was that they were set up to make a sequel to this, but the Terminator became the Governator and dropped out of moviemaking. It's too bad, as the dynamic among Schwarzeneggar, Arnold and Jamie Lee Curtis made for a very funny, albeit silly, movie. "What can I say? I'm a spy."..."Well, did you ever kill anybody?"..."Yes, but they were all very bad."

I'm sure the 1.5 people who read my blog might have their own "Guilty Pleasure" movies- feel free to share in the comments section. That is, unless it's something weird like German scat porn. Keep that to yourself, sicko.

It's official- only 2 more years 'til I can legally be elected Senator

2007-05-25T08:53:00.000-04:00

So I turned 28 today, and guess how I'm spending it? In the hella-awesomest way possible- I'm packing!

I have lived in the same apartment for 3 1/2 years, which is about 4 years longer than anyone should live in this place. I picked it because it was a 4-minute walk to the T and because the rent is so low. Also, my bedroom is big enough to host a regulation volleyball tournament with an area on the side with refreshments for the spectators to enjoy. The problem is that it's in the crap end of Somerville (please see 2 posts previous for details on that), and I'm more than ready to take off.

I may not be materialistic, but I have collected over the past 3.5 years in this place a wide array of random stuff. Amongst the things I've found in closets and drawers:

1. Several dozen books that I had forgotten I had read
2. Roughly $18 (so far) in nickels, dimes and pennies
3. A sealed tub filled with lye and hobo heads (I used to have rage control issues)
4. A stack of bindles from said hobos
5. A bunch of DVDs that were loaned to me at some point by someone I can't remember
6. A few dozen old floppy plastic pre-Charlie Card T passes that I use as bookmarks
7. One very angry, very hungry monkey- fur matted & fez torn

(Note- I made one of those up. Anyone who can identify it wins a chance at a free "Cynical Jackass" tote-bag!)

As I'm sure other people do on their birthdays, I've been checking almanacs to see if anything relevant ever happened on this date in history. Here's what I've found:
1. 71 AD at 9:00am: Roman Centurion Gaius Monicus ("G-Money" to his friends) can't find his giant broom-headed Centurion hat. He becomes concerned for his job. If he is beheaded for negligence by Caesar, who will keep his wife in togas and lead-based makeup?
2. 71 AD at 9:03am: G-Money realizes his hat was on his head all along.
3. 71 AD at 9:04am: G-Money's wife laughs at him. ("How could you not have noticed a thirty pound hat on your head, moron? Nice sandals, by the way. I don't think you're supposed to wear them with socks, you fucking douche.")
4. 71 AD at 9:06am: G-Money kills his wife
5. In 1543: Copernicus dies
6. In 1881: Red Cross founded
7. 1961: JFK gives his "...landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to Earth" speech
8. 1977: Star Wars debuts! Woot!

So all in all, not a very important date in history. I suppose I could research further, but I have a lot of packing still to do and my newly freed monkey pal is smearing the cheese from his Handi-Snacks all over my wall. Naughty monkey!

Most...Cynical-est...Jackass...EVER

2007-05-23T11:41:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post today to brag about my recent Google status. If you Google "Cynical Jackass" (make sure you use the quotes), I am not only the first hit, but I'm the second one, too. Last week, I had only hit #3. Now, I'm officially the most cynical-est jackass ever! Woot!
A more verbose post will be forthcoming...less gloating this time, though.

"Kiss me goodbye and write me while I'm gone...goodbye, My Sweetheart- hello, Medford"...wait, that doesn't rhyme...stupid Johnny Wright...

2007-05-11T23:07:00.000-04:00

So I'm 3 weeks away from the big move. A lot of my friends and associates are graduating from Boston University in a week or so (I work out at the medical campus), and they're headed to residencies and practices in California, Seattle, Vegas, Hawaii, Arizona, and for some unfortunate reason, Mississippi. Having moved across the country myself twice, I know what a hassle it can be. That's all the more reason I shouldn't feel too bad about my own pending move at the end of the month- from Somerville, MA to Medford, MA. Mapquest tells me that's a whopping 2.79 miles.

The short geographical distance aside, the two places couldn't be any more different. I currently live in a quiet enough area, but it has a palpable "it has seen better days" quality to it. Having grown up in New Hampshire, I was surrounded by cookie-cutter upper middle class families- each with a swingset in each backyard and a Volvo (or, so help me, a Saab) in each driveway. In the "Orange Line" end of Somerville, though, there's a chipped, sun-bleached plastic Nativity scene (in a turned-on-its-edge bathtub, of course) in each yard and a primer-gray Ford Aerostar van in each driveway.

My new place is right next to the Tuft's campus, and I have yet to see the Virgin Mary in a plastic bathtub. All of the houses are perfectly painted and the yards neatly maintained. Instead of AMC Gremlins and 1980's-era station wagons with garbage bags and duct tape replacing windows, there are brand new PT Cruisers and MiniCoopers parked on every tree-lined street. Instead of liquor stores, check-cashing places and run-down Brazilian eateries, the new neighborhood has overpriced children's clothing boutiques, an arthouse movie theater and (I couldn't be more excited) a new Mr. Crepe.

Riding the T each morning from my current neighborhood, I'm constantly reminded of the apparent class difference between my neighbors and myself. I'm wearing a starched, pressed pink shirt and tie (french cuffs, of course, with matching pink cufflinks). The guy next to me is wearing drywall-stained coveralls. I'm wearing perfectly polished Cole Haan dress shoes. The guy next to me is wearing 10-year old Carhartt shitkickers, with stains that match those on the aforementioned coveralls. I have slung over my shoulder a black man-purse with gay pride buttons on it. The guy next to me has a beat-up cooler with a series of peeling Construction Workers' Union pride stickers on it. I'm reading a 200-year old snooty French (translated, of course) novel. The guy next to me is staring staring blankly at his hands.

I feel like such an elitist for noticing these things. It's not like I'm the CFO of a major downtown corporation pulling in six figures. I'm an administrative-type at a university. The funny thing is that this depressed-looking dude in the splotchy coveralls is probably making more money than me- he is Union, after all. The "class" difference is still there, though. I always feel out of place there- the laborers and women in the "Merry Maids" uniforms always seem to be looking askance at me, as if they want to ask, "excuse me, sir- are you lost?"

When I take the Red Line out to Davis Square (where my new place is), it's a complete 180. Every guy on the train is either wearing a Harvard or Tufts sweatshirt, or a shirt and tie just like mine. There are Cole Haan dress shoes everywhere, and I can't turn around without getting lightly bumped with the man-purse slung over the shoulder of the dude next to me. Everyone's reading snooty novels, and there isn't a single "Plumbers' Union Local 312" sticker in sight. I'm home!

So am I a total snob for noticing these things? I can't help but be guilty when I feel awkward sitting next to a guy who makes his living cleaning toilets, and conversely, feel perfectly comfortable with the middle-management guy in the Brooks Brothers shirt.

My conclusion at the end of this longer than average post? I'm a stuck-up elitist who understands the importance of a perfectly chosen tie-clip, and who'd rather be seen reading Faulkner on the T than be seen looking disinterestedly at the Metro's sudoku puzzle.

Yeah, I may be a bastard, but that embarrassing self realization will be quickly quashed the day after I move in and bring my copy of "As I Lay Dying" to Mr. Crepe, following a big screen viewing of an obscure German film. What do you think- should I go with strawberries or Nutella?

Don't mess with Lapologang Ceasar Lekoa

2007-05-05T19:19:00.000-04:00

So I was in Borders on Friday evening, (yeah- it was Friday night and I was alone at a book store. What of it? Screw you) and I noticed that outside the door, there were several rather large men in suits, with little wires running into their ears. I assumed that the mayor was shopping there, or maybe the governor. A presidential candidate, perhaps? As I went further into the store, I saw more of these guys- one at every other unit of shelves in the store. Whoever the muckymuck was, they sure had a large security detail. At this point, I assumed it had to be one of two people- Hilary or Dubya.

Were it Hilary, I might have approached her to let her know how much I liked her book. (Mind you, "Living History", not that one about it taking a village or the one that Socks "wrote".) If it was Dubya, it would be a different story. The guy's a jackass, so I have no interest in meeting him. But, his douchbaggery nonwithstanding, he's still the president- it would be cool to see one in person.

However, I saw no one who seemed important. No groups of handlers surrounding a bigwig, with the store manager following nervously behind- ("Can I get you a latte, sir? The newest Grisham, perhaps? Would you like to join our Borders Rewards program?").

Finally, I asked an employee what the deal was. So who was it? Our dipshit president? The Queen? Some sort of Pope? Tom Cruise and his fembot wife? No- it was the Botswanan ambassador to the U.S. Yeah- Botswana. It would seem that the Botswanan ambassador (Lapologang Ceasar Lekoa, according to state.gov) was doing a little book shopping during his visit to Boston, and according to the employee to whom I spoke, "Not buying a fucking thing."

Does His Excellency from the great nation of Botswana really need a security team larger than your average American public elementary school class? Given the type of person who frequents a Borders at 6pm on a Friday night (yours truly), I doubt he has much to be concerned about. Is he worried that someone pissed off about Botswana's recent surge in the exportation of diamonds, textiles, beef, and soda ash (thank you, online almanac!) will try to bump him off with a hardback copy of "The Fall and Decline of the Roman Empire"?

I never got to meet His Excellency Mr. Lekoa, but I did get a discount Japanese cookbook. Once I make the shabu-shabu found therein, I'm gonna put together a big gift batch for the ambassador from Senegal. He doesn't overdo the bodyguard thing. I just hope that Dr. Amadou Lamine Ba isn't allergic to shrimp.

Free crap for having no life

2007-04-15T18:19:00.000-04:00

I am currently listening to the new Ozzy/Black Sabbath playlist that I put together on my brand-spankin' new Samsung 4 gig Mp3 player. At Best Buy, it retails for $150. Guess how much I paid? Bupkis. This new toy is just one item in a rapidly growing list of stuff I've gotten for free, just for doing online surveys when other people were out enjoying healthy social lives.

What I've accrued so far:
1. The aforementioned MP3 player
2. A Charlie Chaplin DVD collection ("The Gold Rush"; "Modern Times"; "The Great Dictator"; "Limelight")
3. Subscription to "Saveur"
4. Subscription to "Bon Appetit"
5. Subscription to "Esquire"
6. Subscription to "Details"
7. Subscription to "Interview"
8. $25 Borders gift card
9. $20 Old Navy gift card
10. 4-cup coffee press
11. Voucher for 10 free rentals at Blockbuster
12. DVD of Woody Allen's "Annie Hall"
13. DVD of Sergio Leone's epic "Once Upon a Time in the West"
14. $10 GNC gift card
15. $10 Starbucks gift card

I know I sound kinda like an infomercial for these survey companies, but the fact is that I've made out pretty well with freebies here. Normally, these surveys each take about 20 minutes, and range in topics from cell phones to beverage consumption and from sexual habits to drug use. Points are given based on the length of the surveys, and you can use them to get stuff. (Right now, I'm saving up points for a giant crock-pot.) It's a lot like Marlboro points, but my way, you don't get chronic emphysema trying to get that pilates mat you've been hankerin' for.

My ultimate goal (and yes, it's a sad, pathetic goal) is to show the survey Powers-that-Be that I'm deserving of the ultimate survey opportunity: Being a "Nielson Family". With a mere click of my remote, I could make sure that that awesome TLC reality show about the family of dwarves will stay on the air indefinitely, while any "sitcom" starring Jim Belushi gets canned right out of the gate. Oohh...to have that kind of power.

But that's in the future. For now, I have to spend 30 minutes filling out a new survey about my fiber intake and how it relates to my frequency of bowel movements. I can't wait to report how my first batch of crock-pot-fresh turkey stew plays into THAT one...

3-2-1-Contact(s)!

2007-04-15T18:02:00.000-04:00

I'm glad to report that I'll be sticking my fingers into my eyes every morning from now on. After breaking my glasses on Thursday, I stopped by Lenscrafters and got contact lenses. I'm fairly certain that the woman who gave me my "class" on the proper way to insert and remove my lenses was just blowing smoke up my ass when she told me that I was "the best student" she had all week. She claims that it normally takes 30 minutes on average for a new lens-wearer to get used to the process, and I did it in only 5. Nobody pokes themselves in the eye better than me.
BTW- bonus points for any 80's pop-culture geeks who got the reference in my blog title this week.