The totally tubular decade that like, totally was

Looking back over my last few posts, it seems my entries are getting more and more vapid. Rather than saying anything of substance, I'm just rambling about popular culture. Today, of course, will be no different.

I know I'm dating myself by admitting this, but I really miss the 80's- bad hair, cheesy music, Reagan- admittedly, there was a lot of crap. However, since I've enjoyed making lists for my past couple "guilty pleasure" posts, I thought I'd skew off from that with the top 10 things I miss most about the 80's. As always, feel free to chime in in the comments section.

10. Russia was still scary

Before that flimsy Iron Curtain fell, Americans everywhere knew to be terrified of those pinko commies in their furry hats. Russians were the go-to bad guys in movies, and school children were led to believe that at any moment, Ivan would be knocking at their door, Stoli in one hand and a "Workers Unite!" placard in the other. Now, Russia is nothing more than an economically unstable country in Eastern Europe, and the go-to bad guys in movies are usually "Random Middle-easterners". Where's the fun in that?


9. Members Only jackets


I mean, c'mon- look how cool this guy is. 'Nuff said.









8. Man-perms


Yes, there was once a time when rock stars made sure to have a hair crimper in their tour buses. How can you not love an era wherein your favorite metal god had the same hairstyle as your Aunt Peg from Omaha? Bless you, Dee Snider, bless you.



7. Michael Jackson was still black, male, talented, and comprised of human flesh


When I was around 5, I went trick-or-treating dressed as Michael Jackson, and my costume consisted of a sequined glove, a sweatshirt with zippers all over it and a microphone with Michael's picture (one of those plastic ones that you were supposed to hold close to a staticky AM radio, and you could "hear" yourself singing). That was the costume to have, as The Gloved One was actually popular. Now that he's a creepy, kid-lovin', plastic man-child, a MJ costume would incite more fear than high-fives. I still have that sequined glove- don't judge me, though. Sometimes a guy just wants to feel pretty.

6. Kids toys were still dangerous


When I used to ride my BMX around the neighborhood, I never wore a helmet. In 1987, helmets were for competitive cyclists, severe epileptics and "Special Kevin", that kid who sat in the front seat of the bus with Lick-em Aid on his face and his hands down his pants. Now, though, if your kid is biking without a helmet, the neighbors will call DSS on you.

You used to be able to get GI Joe and He-Man toys with lots of tiny, sharp little knives and guns that were just made for swallowing by a toddler. Also awesome were the GI Joe tanks that launched sharp plastic missiles that were meant for Cobra Commander and Destro, but often ended up in kids' eyes or noses.

None of those toys, however, could begin to equal the awesomness of lawn darts. Granted, they were hard to come by in the mid-80's, but a lot of families still had them. The general rules were that you were supposed to lob these 10-inch darts underhand towards a hoop to score points. No one, of course, actually did that. Once out of the box, the darts would be hurled straight into the air, giving the thrower and his friends mere seconds to dive out of the way. Sure, eyes were lost, but still-good times.

5. I was still young and naive enough to believe that we'd have flying cars in "THE YEAR 2000"


When I was in elementary school, THE YEAR 2000 (I always thought of it as being in all caps) was this mystical year wherein all of the cool "future stuff" we were promised in the movies and TV would become available. Flying cars, phasers, warp speed, and tiny pills that could replace an entire 4-course meal. What do we have instead, seven years after the fabled YEAR 2000? Cars on wheels, no phasers, no warp drive, and Lunchables. Stupid science.



4. Flying commercially without having to disrobe and subject myself to a retinal scan and body cavity search

I remember how pumped I was whenever we got to fly to grandma's house in Arizona. Not necessarily because I wanted to see the extended family, but because flying was just so awesome. Now, however, you have to give yourself an extra 2 hours just to get through security, and Krom help you if you don't have a plastic baggie to store your no more than 3.5 ounce liquids. If you happen to set off the metal detector, you have roughly 10 seconds to whip off your belt and prosthetic arm before they set the hounds on you. I don't visit grandma's house much anymore.

3. Occasionally saying "I Don't Know" in the hope that I'll get "slimed"

If you don't get this reference, you clearly didn't watch enough Canadian kids' sketch-comedy back then. Shame on you, hoser.






2. John Hughes movies

The poor guy's career kinda pissed out in the 90s with those horrible "Beethoven" movies about the St. Bernard, but back in the day, John Hughes was the man when it came to teen angst movies- "Pretty in Pink", "Sixteen Candles" and the ultimate example, "The Breakfast Club". There is a rumored "Director's Cut" of that one that is said to have only one copy, which is locked up somewhere in John Hughes' house. 40 extra minutes of a brain, a jock, a princess, a basket case, and a criminal? I'd head all the way to Shermer for that one.



1. Two words: Oregon Trail

Screw Grand Theft Auto, forget Halo, and you can shove Guild Wars up your ass. The all-time greatest computer game was Oregon Trail, made best in the Apple IIe version. Buying your wagon (don't forget the extra axles), hunting bears, fording the river, all while trying to avoid Ezra dying of dysentery. When I found a free "emulated" version of this online last year, I wept like a little girl. A little pioneer girl.