50 O'Hanlon, M.D.

So I was on the T this past Friday, and I was directly across the train from two girls in their mid-teens. Since I've lived in Boston for 4 years now, I've gotten pretty good at blocking out the conversations around me. This one, however, demanded my full attention.

The first girl, who we'll call "Ginger", had evidently just had a baby boy, and was telling her friend, who we'll call "Maryann", of all the difficulties she's having in getting her son's birth certificate from the hospital. It would seem that this 15 year old mother had decided to name her son "50". No shit. Like the rapper. She pronounced it "Fitty", but wanted to make sure that it wasn't spelled that way- it would be "spelled" with the actual numerals "50". From what I heard her tell Maryann, through chomps of her gum and swigs of Red Bull, the hospital (and a social worker, who Ginger referred to as "that fuckin' bitch Diane") were trying to talk young Ginger out of giving her boy so unique a name.

Seems that fuckin' bitch Diane and the folks at the hospital had given up on trying to stop Ginger from calling her son "Fitty", and were focusing on at least getting her to spell his name using letters. Ginger, who loudly told Maryanne and the whole traincar that she "ain't feelin' that", was sticking to her guns.

One of the freedoms we're allowed in this fair land is being able to give our children any dumbass names we want. Thus, little 50 will be cursed with that name for his entire life. What happens when he tries to fill out the bubble sheets for a Scantron-style exam? ("But there's no room for the numbers in my name!") It'll be worse if this poor kid ever tries to get a home loan or apply to med school. A 4.0 average when you're premed and perfect MCAT scores don't mean jack when your application says "50".

What Ginger also fails to take into mind is that pop-culture figures don't stay popular forever. What are the odds of the "original" 50 Cent still being popular 10 years from now? That's like meeting a 17 year old today named Tone Loc Johnson. ("Damn, man- bummer of a name." - "Yeah, tell me about it. Back in the day, my dad was REALLY into Funky Cold Medina.")

So 30 years down the road, if you find yourself thumbing through the "Affiliated Providers" book from your new job's healthplan, and you come across a general practitioner named "50 O'Hanlon", throw him a bone and make an appointment. Dude's had a tough enough life as it is.