Thanks for the granola bar, God- you're a'ight

Hey, God-

Please don't let the fact that I don't believe in you detract anything from this message. As you are probably already aware, there was a team of heavy-set, apple-cheeked teenage girls doing your bidding outside the Davis Square T station this past Sunday morning. As I exited the door, one of these overly friendly girls handed me a Quaker Chewy chocolate chip granola bar, along with a note letting me know that you, God, "loved me", and that if I had any questions, I could stop by a nearby "Christian Ministry". Can I assume, then, that you either live at this ministry, or at the very least, pop in occationally to check your mail? Either way, I just wanted to drop you this note to thank you for the tasty snack. I had not yet had breakfast at this point, and figured that the only thing I'd ingest prior to going to the gym would be the Mott's apple juice that I had in the man-purse slung over my shoulder. Your kind gift, however, gave me that nice little boost of protein and sugar that kept me on that treamill for 7 miles.

I must say that of all of the imaginary invisible men who live in the sky, your snack-gift was the most generous. Yahweh only offered an expired box of sticky, dried-out raisins, and Allah could only come up with a coupon for 25% off a bagel sandwich at Fanagle-a-Bagel. Don't even ask what Jobu was offering.
Either way, you may be made-up, but you know how to offer free snacks. You're true blue.